youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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