He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Boobs speak an international language.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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