It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
