Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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