Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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