I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
