this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
