Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
