I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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