Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
