so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
