So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
