I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
