if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
