The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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