god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize