someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
