I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
