I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
