listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity