Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like a drive thru vagina
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
