Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
