i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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