I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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