Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
