If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
