hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
