Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
