omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
