im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
