Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
