I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
