Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
