broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
