apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
