nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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