Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you never un-have a 4some
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
