so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I love you. Go after that dick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
