he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you had me at cake vodka
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
