you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
