i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
