So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It was confusing and full of hummus
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
