so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
