Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
