I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
