I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
