A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
