Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
