OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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