winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
