If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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