Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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