Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
