if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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