i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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