Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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