I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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