I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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